All the time Sometimes it feels like I can’t do anything right
All the time Sometimes it feels like I would rather just lie all the time
All the time Sometimes it feels like I deserve to feel this bad
All the time Sometimes it feels like I would rather
All the time Sometimes I just cry and cry because nothing is right
All the time Sometimes I hate myself so bad I want to stab myself over and over and be free from who I am, who I have become
All the time Sometimes I can’t stand to be who I am and plead and plead to whoever to please, please help me just once, please
All the time Sometimes I ask for help but I get left behind to rot
All the time Sometimes I think about being free
All the time Sometimes nothing feels real
All the time Sometimes I wish it wasn’t
it is impossible to tell you everything that ruined me
it is impossible to tell you every detail of those days
it is impossible because i barely remember any of it but i remember it so well
it is impossible for you to ever understand me because you did not go through that suffering like i did
the only people who know, know on accident
although i wanted to die and had never experienced so much suffering in my life, at least i looked happy when i think back on it
now im the same but where is the happy
this is impossible
im breathing the same suffering but i act like it’s different
it’s impossible to tell you how i feel
a fallen angel
my wings were white and proud
so tell me why they are grey and heavy?
what are you doing?
why are you making me bleed?
ripping off my feathers and carving my wings out?
it hurts it hurts
the mirror has never been so true
your face is non existent
why do i only see me?
me, wings, and a knife?
am i free?
I want to disappear
Leave nothing behind, not even a tear
Choked up and lost in my thoughts
I’m dying, I’m dying, please let me out
Will you ever leave me alone?
But if you leave then I’ll be all alone…
I want you gone, but then who am I?
Should I follow you? Lead me to the dark
Cover me in your embrace
Why is it so cold and far?
I trust you to make me whole
Kill me and eat me so
I need you to help me out
Give me those p*lls, let’s make it out
Too much feeling – too much
So numb – am I even here?
Do I deserve to even feel?
Heart racing with my thoughts
Eyes flickering and moving behind eyelids- like the skin doesn’t exist
Frozen legs and feet where is the ground ?
Cut, cut, cut open the feeling of hopelessness
Want, want, desire to feel
Want to rip my hair out and tear all my skin until I’m bones.
Want to set myself on fire, want to drive a car into the ocean and sink
Want to lose and lose myself again
Want to be fucking wild, robust, and pure
I never lived in starvation- rather starvation lived in me
I run and run but time never stops, the voices keep screaming, the blood pulses in beat to the music and my heart beat looping and hoping for a break
And I remember a time where I woke up because I wanted to wake up
A time I wrote not only because it was that or d*ing
A time where I did my work and was voted most hardworking and most successful
A time where I would say what I felt and what was on my mind without fear, that didn’t last long
A time where I didn’t question every little thing: why am i here?
A time where I didn’t question myself: do i deserve to be here?
A time where only wanting to please others and be the best was my only goal
A time where I could look in the mirror and look for half a second more
A time where I didn’t have such scars depicting such remorse
A time where I didn’t want to live and a time I did
A time where I didn’t have to question relapse and plans and lies
A time where I had he energy and satisfaction of not laying in bed all day and instead laughing and playing with friends
A better time and one I miss
WHy why why
Only thought in my head that isn’t degrading me and beating me down
A thought that gets lost in the war of all others trying to force their way up front
Sometimes the ‘whys’ turn into more coherent questions
Sometimes they form 2 words:
Sometimes they form 3:
Why only me?
The words rush behind my eyelids
Forcing their way up front